This Random Life: A Very Korean Wedding: Part Hana-The "Engagement"

Ok. So. I'm getting married in Korea in 15 days and it has just been a roller-coaster. Mainly it's been a frustrating shit show, with little slivers of fun thrown in. I am hoping it will all turn out to be worth it, but I'll have to get back to you in 15 days on that one.

Since I am assuming most people that are looking at this blog have some interest in having their own Korean wedding, I am not going to into explaining ALL the cultural nuances of this crazy tiny country but will be giving a personal account of MY experiences that I've PERSONALLY had. So, this isn't what everyone has or will go through. If you are an American and/or other westerner getting married to a Korean in Korea, god's speed to you. It isn't easy.

So this post is mainly about the steps leading to the wedding..a prequel, if you will.

Some background: unlike what dramas will lead you to believe, most Korean men are not that romantic. This opinion is based on my Korean and the handful of friends I have that are also married to Koreans. Most grown men think celebrating 100 days and White Day is childish and Koreans in general are not a very celebratory people, especially in terms of gift and card giving. I can't tell you how many fights I've had about what constitutes proper behavior on a holiday or anniversary or how many lectures I've given on the importance on honoring what the most important person in your life finds important. IT'S FUCKING IMPORTANT PEOPLE! Would it kill you to buy some flowers? NO IT WOULDN'T.

Umm, point is, they don't see the point of western style romance and this includes having big engagements. The two of you generally just decide together that you're going to get married and then you meet the parents and that's that. I did have one friend that had a lovely surprise involving video and a boat but that is more rare. Generally, there's no ring and no knee and you will have to deflect questions from your western friends, and sob over other people's romantic and special stories/videos/pictures. OR you can stage your own post-actual engagement, engagement reenactment and post those pictures...like I did. We actually got legally married (yet another post) and then I had time to plan out all the things I wanted to happen. I wanted a ring, so we went to "jewelry street" near Jongno and got a shiny fake diamond. I never really put any thought into a "dream ring" so I wasn't *that* concerned with what it looked like or how much it cost. The shinier and cheaper, the better. I have other plans for our money. Since Koreans often get "couple rings" when they have been in a serious relationship for a while, it took some explaining to vendors that no, my boyfriend didn't want a matching diamond for himself.

I had also never put a lot of thought into my "dream" anything pertaining to a wedding. Different things are important to different people, but for me, I just wanted some semblance of tradition so I "gently guided" my Korean in these steps. It's not that I never expected to get married, I had just never put any thought into what I expected to happen. Which is probably for the best because I would have been SEVERELY disappointed.

So anyway, we got the ring and two weeks later we were able to "get engaged." Why two weeks? Oh because my Korean works like fucking crazy person and only gets a day off the first and third Sunday of every month. Yes yes, you heard right, 2 days off a month. Koreans are notoriously cray cray when it comes to work culture and he is no different. He, fortunately, owns his own business and doesn't have to deal with next level insanity of Korean corporate world, but since he's also the only empoloyee as well as the boss, there isn't anyone else to work if he wants a day off. His ridiculous job is a whole other post, so we'll move on.

On his next day off, we rented a little boat on a lake near Gapyeong (we had been there before) and paddled out to the middle and he just gave me the ring. I had gotten us couple shirts from Gmarket that made us look precious and romantic in the pictures, but really it was all my idea and it was kind of lame. We were also made to wear life jackets and when I made us unbuckle them for the pictures, we got yelled at through a bullhorn from the people back at the dock. Dammit people, we're trying to be romantic, shut the hell up! Also, my Korean is not as comfortable as I am in the water, so that explains the look of fear on his face in some of the pictures. After we got back on solid ground, we had a picnic at "our spot" in the park and that was less stressful. We took more pictures and exactly zero people congratulated us on newly engaged status. Our shirts clearly let everyone know what was going but it's Korea, no one gives a shit about anyone else.

Then I put the pictures up and pretended like it was a great magical moment. It was a fun day, but since I had planned it all out, it really wasn't all that romantic. Looking back now, it kind of makes me angry. I mean, it's so lame! I had to plan everything! What is wrong with him that he can't pretend to even give a shit? Dammit, cultural differences! I think this anger is because of all the subsequent milestones our relationship has since had where he makes little to no effort to acknowledge or celebrate it. He is slowly learning but I have a feeling there are going to be a few more blowouts before he learns and I also learn to chill a little. Just a little, though. Celebrating is my joy.

Anyway. That's that. I don't regret anything, but going through this ridiculous Korean wedding process has been wearing me down. Group mentality and the disregard for individuality extends into wedding culture. So even on your special day, it's actually not at all about you, but about your family and guests. This is my path that I have chosen so I can't complain, but I'm American so I will probably continue to anyway. The frustration of having to manufacture romance for myself is most definitely not unique to Korea. I am sure brides around the world are displeased with how things have progressed in their wedding journey, I'm just putting mine on the internet. But god damn you, rom-coms for ruining everything and giving people ridiculous expectations of what romance means!

Ok, well that was the "engagement" even though we were actually married the whole time! Sneaky us. Here are some pics and links in case you want a faux engagement for yourself!

Korea Jewelry Street: http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/SHP/SH_EN_7_2.jsp?cid=273730
There are tons of stores so shop around to find a ring and a price you like.